college apps are destroying me lol

1:49am, june 12, 2020

i actually didn't think i was going to come back here for a week or so, but i found out that my website has like 65 views. i hope none of you guys are paying attention, because i have nothing important to say. (i also added a guest book, so feel free to stop by!) this whole blog is my own little mitadmissions blog page for when i don't get in and hate myself for weeks.

speaking of which, i've started looking at colleges. i'm a rising senior, and i've squandered my high school years on the three d's: depression, dropping grades, and dining. alternately diners, drive-ins, and dives. i don't mind, really. i think i'm much more fun to be around now than i was in the past. but heres the issue: i'm absolutely screwed in regards to getting higher education. my grades are horrible: as of right now, i have a 4.2 WEIGHTED. compared to all my peers, i'm the dumbest in class. my class rank is probably an L too. thankfully, i don't think my school provides class rank so i can rest assured i will be just as mediocre as everyone else.

the one good thing about my extended quarantine is that i've had more time to be productive. not that ive done so. but in the fall, when classes start back up again, my course load will be hellish (again, i'm really stupid and insanely unmotivated, and am more inclined to complain and whine all day (like im doing right now) about thinkgs that i can fix but am too lazy to). i'll be taking 5 ap classes, and the other 2 will be 1 point gpa boosts (so at the college level, but either dual enrollment or past ap). this should be fine, but it means that i need to get it together NOW instead of later, which will be difficult considering my knack for procrastination and lack of work habits.

applying to college in 2020 onwards is kind of a nightmare, especially in america, where everything is so expensive that 8 year olds cry about how much college will cost (shoutout summer camps around the world, i have no clue how you're supposed to get kids growing up in today's world to relax). i'm lucky to have enough privilege that i don't need to worry too much, but honestly at times i feel like i don't deserve the aid i've gotten. all my life i've been privileged. and what did i do with that privilege? what did i accomplish, how did i grow, how did i help others less fortunate than i? i didn't. and it's all my fault.

i'm trying to get better, though. i'm cleaning my room and folding my laundry and lending friends books. i'm distracting myself from everything by writing, and talking to family, and driving, and getting a new to-do system in place. i helped read over and suggest edits to a friend's college essay, and have been trying to accept advice from my well-meaning but overbearing friends (yes, i know what a loan is, no, we don't have to go through every single repayment option). so i think this means i'm doing it? i'm pulling myself together? this time at the beginning of quarantine i was a depressed mess. i thought my world would end if i didn't get straight As and a better body by june 14th. but here i am. my friend luke got getting what he wants out of his life and body right now (god i wish i could go to the gym). i congratulated him and liked his post and then didn't look at my phone for a day. i missed the cutoff to apply for a specific internship that some of my friends are in. i congratulated them, too. then stopped looking at my phone, too. it isn't important. i have other things to do. and i will forever want something i can never have. i think i have to cut my losses and do what i can right now. i'll be a better person for it.

something tells me i need to get back to work. see you all in a few. hopefully it'll only get better from here.

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